


Never The Same (Levi X Depressed! Reader)

by KrustyCheetahs



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Armin Arlert - Freeform, Bullying, Depression, Eren Jeager - Freeform, F/M, Levi Ackerman - Freeform, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Protective Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, depressed reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 10:31:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19249381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrustyCheetahs/pseuds/KrustyCheetahs
Summary: "Why are you here? Why can't you just leave me alone? If it weren't for this, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be even thinking about me! That's all I am. I'm just selfish and weak. And that's why I'm going to accept these punishments. Because I deserve every last one! ... "In a high school universe, Levi had been thinking about it for quite a while now. He thought that everything was fine, that you were doing okay in school. Sure, you two hadn't been as close as before when the both of you were childhood friends, but he wanted to give it another try to make up for all the drifting apart.But little did he know, it was significantly much more worse than he interpreted, and the truth hits him, so shocking that it takes his breath away....Will things ever be the same again?





	1. Never The Same - Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: So I wrote this story from a bullying project that we got, which was us having to express what we learned about bullying, whether it was a poster, skit, brochure, info-graph, drawing, or whatever suited you best, with the teacher's permission of course. So I knew that this would be a perfect opportunity to write a short story!! 
> 
> Also, if you or a close friend is suffering from depression or bullying, remember: YOU ARE ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO LOVE AND CARE ABOUT YOU, AND IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO GET TALK AND GET HELP!!
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy! I feel super proud about this one :)

Levi had been thinking about it for quite a while now.

An ugly crimson splattered the ground as she helplessly lay sprawled on the ground, clutching her face. A desperate sob wracked her body, shining tears now forming on her eyelids. He felt his heart clench at the sight, fingers gripping the straps of his backpack tightly in anger while struggling to formulate a plan that would seem relevant to the situation.

The boy scoffed as he pulled back his fist, rubbing the knuckles from where they now started to swell red. His piercing teal eyes caught her gaze, and Levi could feel all the anger and hatred radiating off of him and being directed straight at her. "You know, I always thought that you were one of the weak ones. You thought you were smart by constantly getting stupid A's and trying to make your poor mother proud? It doesn't change anything, because no matter how much you try to hide and fix it, everyone would rather die than be your friend."

Now the last phrase really ticked Levi off as he heard the shaky exhale from the girl, shocked to the core at his cruel words. No one, not ever, should say such an unacceptable insult like that, especially when they knew that it would tear at their insides, messing their heart and feelings into an unsolvable puzzle. He felt every fiber of his body inching closer to the edge, almost ready to snap in a haze of fury. It wasn't her fault, this was clearly out of control and she was trying her best to get over it!

(y/n's) eyes rounded on him, and the indescribable hurt and desperation in her gaze drilled right through his chest and seized at his heart. Almost as if she was silently pleading him "why?"

Eren moved to kick her again, but by this point Levi had already intercepted his foot, causing him to stumble in a flurry of tangled limbs. "Hey-"

He just couldn't see it anymore. The pain and frustration was crystal clear in his eyes as he rushed at the younger boy once again, fists connecting with his jaw. The other teen in his group, Armin, shook his head frantically in fear, immediately submitting to Levi when he grabbed him by the collar, bringing his face close up to see just how much anger there was reflected in his eyes. His blue eyes were wide with terror, his sweaty hair a mess of blonde locks. "I-I tried to stop him, Levi..."

What made it even more infuriating was how pathetic it sounded. Levi released his hold on him as he thrusted Armin back onto the floor roughly. "Tch."

He moved to see Eren shakily getting back up, wiping up scarlet drops with his sleeve. Through gritted teeth, he spat out the words in an annoyed outburst. "So, you've finally decided to come clean, huh?"

Levi clenched his fists as he shot back a reply. "Oh trust me, I've already known of your awareness. I just wonder though, out of all the people, you chose to hurt the one girl that you've barely even interacted with, when there could be countless others that would be more deserving of this."

"How dare you-"

"No, how dare YOU, useless brat." He threw his hand again, knuckles raw and red from the impact. Eren stumbled back, finally seeming to have been knocked into some kind of sense as he didn't move from his spot on the floor. But what he was currently feeling to Levi was still indefinite, as Eren's cold, hard glare sent the tiniest of shivers down his spine, and it made him feel the smallest twinge of fear again that he hadn't felt since he was a little kid when his mother died and decomposed right in front of him. Seeing the droplets of crimson that seemed to pulse out at his peripheral vision, Levi returned Eren's gaze, seething him for all the blood and unwanted emotions that were shed today because of him. This wasn't supposed to happen.

Nevertheless, he held himself strong as he picked up the pieces of his thoughts to regain composure, forcing back down the vivid memories of losing his home with a rough swallow. Gripping Eren's throat in one swift movement, he pinned the taller male up against the wall, hearing the grunt being spilled out of his mouth with the impact of the slam. "You think I'm weak? You think that just because that girl and I are shorter, means that we can't fend for ourselves? Well you're wrong, because we feel sorry for being better than you at kicking ass."

At this point Eren was helpless at a comeback, writhing in between Levi's hands while he clawed pitifully at his arms, but to no avail. Levi applied more pressure to Eren's neck, watching carefully how his fingers on his neck were leaving unforgivable marks, scars that only Levi could see now for himself. "Get out. Because if you even lay one finger on her again, I'll make sure to fucking kill you the next time we meet."

And he didn't regret it. He hated it now. He was tired of this.

Levi was numb with a flaring heat as he walked away from his enemies who were once his comrades, slipping into the shadows like nothing had happened. He remembered the girl (y/n), faintly calling his name, but he only stared at the split, irritated skin of his palms, realizing just how hard he had been digging into them.

He felt nothing, and he was nothing.

Levi didn't get it. Why bully? What was the point in making an individual suffer? And most of all, what kinds of benefits do they even get for it? How could he be so unbelievably stupid for it?

"Damn you, Eren...."

He stopped in front of her house, watching the wind blow the colorful leaves across her porch in the air. It reminded him just how beautiful autumn really was, all the different emotions from the tornado of leaves swirling around in his mind. He remembered those priceless moments with her, when they would share their snacks together, help each other with homework, and just hang out at her house to fantasize about what their future could hold for them.

Levi felt a pang of longing for those moments, as his heart stuttered at the thought of talking to her again. Their relationship wasn't like any other ordinary one. It held an important place in his heart, and it had made Levi feel special. (y/n) was like a sibling to him, like he needed to be there and protect her. But it had been years since change had taken its course, and ever since the death of her parents, things just hadn't been like they used to. Levi had moved along a separate path in his life, and (y/n), hers. He understands her; he really did, but she didn't want to reason with him, and instead had shut him away. Their relationship had sunken, drifted farther away then he could ever have imagined or wanted as he knocked on the door and saw her tired state.

...What did she feel about him now?

Her eyes widened in surprise as she saw the familiar ebony hair and rigid grey pupils staring right back at her. A seemingly forced smile edged itself onto her face, but Levi could already tell she didn't want him here by the quiet, disappointed tone in her voice. "L-Levi?"

He didn't care about whether she was gonna let him in or not though, because he had already made up his mind to tell her everything. To tell her the truth. "Look , I know what I did was wrong, okay? I just..."

(y/n) watched him with a slightly stunned expression on her face as she closed the door, carefully studying what he was trying to communicate to her. Levi squeezed the bridge of his nose in frustration, clearly showing his hesitation on how to explain himself. "I couldn't understand why I joined them. I can't even remember wanting to be one, much less a leader for them. But I've been losing reason for this, and you haven't been the first time that I had to step up for my feelings. There's no purpose, no will anymore. It disgusts me now."

He glanced up at (y/n) with a stern gaze at an attempt to seem believable. This never would have happened if his younger self hadn't been so foolish, so confused to only brush it off and deny that it was becoming more than just wrong. Levi wasn't used to apologizing at all; these situations rarely came up because he always knew the consequences of getting into those problems. But it didn't change anything. He had hurt (y/n), and even though he knew that she would forgive him, he couldn't help but feel like another part of his heart was crumbling all over again.

So with a hopeful gaze, he swallowed down all the conflicted shame and frustration inside him, fixing only on what he needed to do now, in the present. He would do something, anything, to bring back the light that had somehow gone missing in her eyes all those years ago. "I'll make it up to you."

(y/n)'s eyes were rounded wide in what seemed like fear, much to Levi's dismay. "Oh, um...I'm sure there's no need for that..."

Levi was now starting to doubt himself on whether he could convince her to let him fix things. Sure, they may or may not have been minding their own business during the past few years in high school, but that didn't mean that (y/n) could just shove him back down the pipe like that again. Things had been bumpy enough as they were; he totally understood, but this was no excuse to start cutting off ties again! He had offered to help, wasn't she supposed to be at least a little happy that he cared?

In fact, it was like she didn't even want to be near him, judging from her lack of eye contact with him and constant fidgeting of her fingers.

...What exactly had become of their relationship?

"I'm sorry, but what? You've just been bullied and beaten up, and I'm trying my best to apologize! What did I do to deserve this,(y/n)?" Levi felt his emotions all twisting into anger once again, a monster tearing deep into his guts that made him want to throw it all up no matter how hard he tried to hold it back.

(y/n) strained a reassuring smile over an incredibly pained expression, eyes glistening on the verge of tears. "Levi....it has nothing to do with you. Nothing that you did was wrong."

Hearing those words had cleared up the fog in his mind, and Levi found enough soothing to lower down his voice a notch, though the twisting worry in his heart remained to throb. "Then what is it?"

She looked away, now placing a hand on her mouth to muffle a sob. Her black hair swept gracefully to conceal her face as she turned her back to him. "Just...leave, please..."

Levi felt his breath hitch in his throat, feelings and thoughts stopping altogether in shock . Never before had she argued with him like this, much less tell him to leave. How was Levi supposed to deal with this, when she wouldn't open up? Was trying even a valid option, now that he knew she didn't want anything to do with him anymore? "(y/n)...."

He tried to approach her, but didn't come within two steps before stopping to reconsider when she shifted again in the opposite direction of him. So instead he stayed where he was, hearing nothing but the silence of (y/n) quiet weeping. "You know, we can always talk about it, just like we used to tell each other some of our most embarrassing secrets.."

A young (y/n) in a white dress lying next to him in the grass as they stared at clouds brought a small smile to his face at the memory of it. Pointing at them, at all the bizarre and unique shapes that scattered the sky, and talking about how their future would be like. What they wanted to be when they grew up, and what kind of person they would like to marry. It all came rushing back to him in a messy pang of regret.

And he looked at her now. Alone at school, always with her nose buried in a book , easily embarrassed and never was engrossed in any kind of conversation with others. Introductions in class were the closest thing she had to talking, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized just how vulnerable she really was. (y/n) was shattering right in front of him, and at last he felt the urge to search deep within himself to heal her, patch up her wounds and tell her that everything would be alright. Literature had been her only friend - why didn't Levi notice that sooner?

He didn't like the way she was hiding, hated that she was hurting inside and that he couldn't do anything about it. Gingerly, he moved to take a hold of her hand in anticipation to comfort, but she roughly pushed him away, igniting another spark of pain in his chest. "Don't touch me!"

Levi took a deep breath, pushing every last drop of sanity into his well-being to prevent himself from screaming at her. If she wanted him to leave she was going to have to make him. Levi knew (y/n) too well, and right now, leaving her alone would be the worst solution for whatever could be upsetting her. "I'm not leaving,(yn)."

She got up and stalked towards him, finally able to look him right in the eyes. They were a harsh maroon that shone with tears, bloodshot irises filled with hatred that could kill. Her jaw snapped shut in frustration while her lip quivered ever so slightly with rage. He saw her fists clenched tightly at her side, knuckles so tense that they turned white. Levi knew she wouldn't hit him; it would be too remorseful for her as it was already. After all, they were childhood friends, and even though their friendship hadn't been as stable as it was before, (y/n) knew that she would never forgive herself if she struck .

But Levi had no idea just how worse the circumstances could have gotten until his heart stopped dead in its tracks as he noticed the bump poking out of her sleeve.

..And the cold, dark crimson trickling down pale skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So how is it? Tell me down below! The next chapter will be out soon!


	2. Never The Same - Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why are you here? Why can't you just leave me alone? If it weren't for this, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be even thinking about me! That's all I am. I'm just selfish and weak. And that's why I'm going to accept these punishments. Because I deserve every last one! ... "
> 
> In a high school universe, Levi had been thinking about it for quite a while now. He thought that everything was fine, that you were doing okay in school. Sure, you two hadn't been as close as before when the both of you were childhood friends, but he wanted to give it another try to make up for all the drifting apart. 
> 
> But little did he know, it was significantly much more worse than he interpreted, and the truth hits him, so shocking that it takes his breath away.
> 
> ...Will things ever be the same again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So I tried to make the story much more appealing and interesting by changing the font so that you can know who is telling the story and makes the story much more unique, but unless I'm missing something, ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN ONLY HAS ONE FONT! *sobs*

(y/n) immediately felt the blood drain from her face when she saw Levi staring at her arms with an unspeakable terror. But instead of feeling angry about it, she only felt numb with fear as she hugged her arms close to her chest, fiddling with the sleeves. "It's not what you think, Levi-"

"You're cutting yourself again. Don't you dare deny it. I know that there's a knife under that sleeve of yours." He gently took her hands, his face blank and unreadable as she tried to struggle against his grasp.

The tears coming harder and faster now as (y/n) fear turned into a form of desperation. She could only feebly lay limp in a sitting position when she realized that struggling was pointless and only caused more pain. He kneeled in front of her, taking her arms in a soft but firm grip while he rolled up her sleeves, revealing her true colours, uncovering the secret that she knew she could only hide for so long. "Levi, please...don't do this to me...why can't things just go back to the way they were before?...."

He traced a finger down one of her scars, sending an electrifying tingle throughout her body as his eyebrows furrowed to one of concern. (y/n) closed her eyes and tried to breathe; watching him when he was that close made her feel uncomfortable. If only she hadn't made such a stupid mistake, if only she hadn't been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then none of this would have happened; he wouldn't even be thinking about her right now.

.. . (y/n) didn't deserve this.

Levi's eyes then skipped over to the scarlet dribbling down her wrist, and he pulled out a tissue from his backpack, dabbing delicately at the fresh wounds that flitted across her skin in angry marks. It was a maze of lines, some having barely healed and still crusted with dry blood, others having already scarred and created dark streaks that stretched from her elbows to her wrists and longer. (y/n) could already tell that Levi was shaken to the core; no matter how good he was at hiding his emotions, she could always manage to see the conflicted feelings under his mask of brash coldness.

Even though it's still hurts, (y/n) found herself fighting through the pain, the tears spilling out as he focused on a roll of bandages sitting on her table and started wrapping her injuries. "..This is all my fault...If I hadn't gotten so weak and accidentally express my feelings... "

He looked up, a confused emotion etched across his face. The agony that she felt seeing his eyes reflect so much frustration and distress spurred up inside her again, as if there was an incredible amount of pressure that was crushing her chest "...What do you mean,(y/n)?"

She didn't want to answer that. Not now, not ever could she tell him how she had been truly feeling. But what could she do? It was impossible to escape; she had nowhere to go to and Levi would make sure of it that she was under his watch. Even if she were to avoid the question, things would only spiral down from there and damage whatever was left of their friendship now. How funny, that Levi had made her feel this way, and led her to fall right into a trap.

"If I hadn't made such a stupid mistake, then you wouldn't be worried about me at all. You wouldn't have come here. You wouldn't even be thinking about me right now. But this...is just my punishment now, isn't it? I'm getting punished for being so selfish. I think that's why the world decided to have you come over today. It just wants to torture me.."

Levi took her by the shoulders, earning a gasp of surprise from her. His eyes were stiff with confusion, jaw clenched in horror at the fact that he was hearing all this. "What the hell do you think you're saying?! Are you listening to yourself right now? I know something happened to you, and whatever it is, you can tell me. "

Levi gave her a helpless stare, and (yn)felt his misunderstanding pulling her down, drowning her in sorrow that she knew so well to be like quicksand. He had never seen this side of her before, and it was all so unnerving and shocking for him to take. Until Levi had listened to everything, (y/n)knew he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it, and would persist to bother her, even if she lied because it was pointless when it came to him. But as much as she had wanted to stop right there and just cry to be comforted by him, perhaps another small part of her also wanted him to know, and couldn't stand the thought of being alone anymore. "Ah...ahahaha...."

(y/n) ended up subconsciously giving him an empty smile, her hands shaking as Levi released her. "You're wrong. Nothing happened to me. I've always been like this. You're just seeing it for the first time..."

"Seeing what?" His eyes were steely as he fixed me with a stern expression. What are you talking about,(y/n)?"

She forced down a sob, feeling paralyzed with some sort of guilt. Whatever sensation it was didn't matter at the moment though, because there was no turning back now. It was like (y/n) was hit with a whirlwind of conflicted feelings all at the same time, swept up farther and farther away until all the life was sucked up from her. "You're really just going to make me say it, aren't you? I guess you're leaving me with no choice this time, Levi.."

He finished covering my cuts with the bandages, placing my pocket knife into his backpack. I didn't care enough to protest, because I always had more stored away in my house. I blankly stared at the stains of blood seeping through already, and when he didn't say anything, I knew that it meant he was listening, and wanted me to continue. "The truth is...I've had really bad depression my whole life. Why do you think I'm late to school every day? It's because most days, I can't even find a reason to get out of bed. What reason is there to do anything when I fully know how worthless I am? Why go to school? Why eat? Why make friends? Why make other people put their energy and caring to waste by having them spend it on me?"

Levi was speechless, like his voice had been stripped away from him. (y/n) was met with an edgy silence as the throbbing agony in her arm starts to intensify. She was sure that Levi knew what was going on- he just didn't know what to say. (y/n) wasn't mad at him though, she hadn't plan on ever sharing it with him, afraid that it might've put strain on their relationship and well-being. (y/n) had always gotten away with hiding it, and she was going to keep doing so, that wasn't ever going to change.

He finally makes eye contact with her, and (y/n) is shocked at just how piercing those grey stormy irises can be. It was hard to look away from him; he just looked so...handsome at the moment with his mouth slightly parted and raven-black hair glowing in the light of the room. She felt heat rise up to her cheeks, and tensed when he reached out with soft nimble fingers to run them down her neck, feeling the scar that was splayed out angrily across the side. His eyebrows were furrowed with worry now as he let out a sad, throaty sigh that vaguely reminded her of a prince from a book that they had read together when they were little. She must have missed a lot about him if she wasn't even aware of the changes in his voice. What gave her a rare twinge of happiness though, was how Levi must have cared about her that much, because his eyes then flickered to an utterly distress expression. "Why,(y/n)? Why is it that you've never told me about this? I know we haven't talked much these days, but...it almost feels like I've been betrayed as your close friend. Even if there's only so much that I can do, I'd still try a little harder to make everyday a little better for you. All you had to do was tell me. "

(y/n) was so mesmerized by his close-up face that she felt her heart flutter at the sight and touch of him. But the moment was only short-lived, as she quickly shook it off, dismissing her erratic pulse and rising heat in her cheeks. She didn't know what to feel, and didn't want to feel anything more towards her only friend. (y/n) didn't understand this feeling, and it scared her. There was an unpleasant sensation in her stomach, and she then made a decision to push it back down. Why did she suddenly feel so....awkward and...somewhat alive when he was here? Levi already had his own problems, and he wouldn't want anything else getting in the way of their severed relationship. Heck, he probably even had someone else he probably liked already. This was absurd; why was she feeling this way now? Was it because she was developing feelings? Why did it have to be him that she had to feel a different kind of nervous around? This wasn't supposed to happen!

"You don't understand at all, Levi. Why do you think I didn't tell you? If I did, you would just have to spend more time and effort on me instead of doing more important things. I don't want to be cared about. It's bittersweet, when people try to care about me. It feels nice sometimes. But other times, it feels like a bat being swung against my head. That's why I wanted you to make friends and create your own path like everyone else."

(y/n) takes a deep breath before letting out a quiet chuckle and gives Levi a small smile that actually seemed to reach at her heart. "I'm glad that you've overcome Eren and the others, Levi. Helping everyone be happy together is the best thing for me. But then, I realized something else too. Seeing you finally completely away from Eren and giving yourself time to figure out for yourself what you want...it feels like a spear going through my heart. So that's why. That's why I decided the world just wants to torture me. Every path leads to nothing but hurt..."

(y/n) paused for a moment, a wave of pain crossing her features before she lifted her arms to show him the dark-red splotches on her bandages. "I haven't forgotten that you helped me get over myself with the cutting and all that. But once you joined up with Eren and we grew distant, there just was no purpose anymore to try and control myself, nobody to think about or do it for. Now....it feels like the only way that I can feel relaxed, and relieve myself from all that stress."

He seemed to give her a determined look, silent but surely helpful as (y/n) was overwhelmed with a strange warmth in her chest, like a candle had finally been lit inside of her. Levi took his hand in hers, his intense gaze almost pleading when (y/n)finally saw through his tough exterior to the other side of him, the side that wasn't cold, wasn't blunt and rash. The part of him that was kind in a harsh way, but cared to the stars and beyond deep inside his heart. "You're right. I don't understand your feelings at all. But I don't need to understand. Whatever it takes for me to help you to stop hurting...that's what I'll do."

"No, Levi. There's nothing. Nothing at all. The only thing that could have helped is if everything could be like it always was. But I was selfish. I finally showed you what a horrible person I am. I made you quit being friends with Eren because I was selfish and weak. And I was punished by my heart hurting in a way that I couldn't understand. And now you came here and I made you hurt too... " (y/n) was fighting the tears streaking down her face once more, the familiar aching of her chest returning stronger than ever.

"That's all I am. I'm just selfish and weak. And that's why I'm going to accept these punishments. Because I deserve every last one! ... That's what it feels like. ...And that's why I just want to make everyone happy...without anyone having to worry about me."

(y/n) was met with a soft shoulder as the seemingly rough and cold boy pulled her in for an embrace, arms wrapping around her waist. She couldn't feel anything else but the stabbing pains in every fiber of her body as she finally spilled free of the emotions that she tried so hard to restrain. "(yn)."

"Levi..."

He whispered calmly into her ear, gentle but with a hint of harshness. "I don't care if you're selfish. I'm glad that you've helped me realize that Eren and the others aren't my true friends. Seeing you everyday makes it worthwhile enough. If I make new friends along the way, then that's a new bonus. But please never underestimate how much I care about you. I wouldn't have it any other way."

(y/n)'s mind was blank and lost without feeling, and she doesn't return the hug, standing limp as he tightens his arms around her. "No, Levi..don't do this... to me..."

"If you have it in you to call yourself selfish, then you have to let me be selfish too. No matter what it takes, I'll figure out what needs to change. I'll make these feelings go away. So if there's anything that I can do, you'd better tell me. Or else I'll be mad."

Her cries were muffled into his shirt, words barely decipherable through the sobbing. (y/n) held on tightly, so afraid, so empty like there was an irreplaceable place in her mind breaking down. "I-I don't know.....I don't know..."

She finally found it in herself to return his hug ever so gently. Perhaps it was how hopeful his words were, or perhaps she did it to reassure him. But the coldness in her body was still there, clouding her thoughts and leaving her with a gut-wrenching melancholy. " Why does it feel like my heart is splitting in half? It hurts so much! Everything hurts so much, this would be so much better if I could just disappear!"

"(y/n), don't say that."

"It's true! If I wasn't here, then you wouldn't have to waste your sympathy on me! Eren was right.."

A flicker of anger passed by his pupils before he squeezed (y/n) hand reassuringly, arms still tangled around her. "Don't believe anything of what that dickhead has to say to you. In fact, don't even mention his name. It disgusts me. No matter how long it takes, a couple months or an entire lifetime.... I'm going to be by your side until you don't feel any more pain."

(y/n) was appalled by his promise, unable to look him in the eyes. How could be so kind to her? Why was he being so kind to her? "B-but...I-m scared... I'm really scared..."

"What are you scared of, (y/n)?"

"I'm scared that...I might like you more than you like me. It's true, isn't it? That I was weak and started to like you too much. I did this to myself........I like you so much that I want to die! That's how I feel! And...and-"

"That's enough,(y/n). I don't want you to hurt anymore."

Levi's presence was closer now as he leaned forward to let her head rest on his shoulder. His hot air tickled her ear with each breath. "Remember how I said I always knew what was best for you?"

She wordlessly nods, feeling so small and helpless like a child as he cradled her in his arms. He places a careful hand on her head, stroking her hair, and she didn't know whether to snap at his touch or cry. Her body shook with a white hot pain, though she forces herself to continue to listen to him.

"Even if you don't understand all of your own feelings...I know what you need the most right now. And that's what I'm going to give to you."

(y/n) then feels a pair of lips on her scar as he buries himself into the crook of her neck. "I love you. Those are my true feelings. So there's no way you could like me more that I like you. I should've realized it sooner. The anger I felt when you were being kicked, the fun I got to have with you when we were little, and now, after all this time, I still worry for you with dealing through all of this. It helped me realize that you are truly the most important person to me."

"E-eh?!" His hand was calloused but soft, although his knuckles were split and caked with dried blood. (y/n) felt a ghost of pressure on her cheek, as he turned so that their faces directly met. His eyes seemed to sparkle brighter with stern than it ever had been before, seriousness etched all over his face. "That's why I'll accept any of your burdens. As long as we continue like this every day, with you by my side, then I know we'll both be happy. You'll never have to let go of me again."

The fact that he said it so smoothly made her heart skip a beat. Had she misheard him? She promised herself that she couldn't say anything about her feelings! She knew that she had to give it time to know whether it was true or not, but having him blurt that out so confidently didn't make (y/n) feel as good as she thought it would. "I-I love you too, Levi. I want to be with you forever."

He pulls her in close, holding (y/n) tighter to his chest now as he whispered a barely audible response that only she and she alone could hear. "...Me too."

Having someone return their feelings....weren't they supposed to feel joy? Happiness? A sense of relief?

It was different for her though. (y/n) didn't feel any of those. She felt her grip around Levi weaken. Instead, what she felt was so repulsing and horrible that she wanted to throw up. It was like thorns stabbing her heart into a million pieces, never to be put back together again.

"...What is this?"

"(y/n)?"

"...I'm supposed to be happy right now. I always thought this would be the happiest moment for me. But why? Even now...why won't the tears go away? They're not going away at all, Levi... "

"It's okay,(y/n). It might take some times for things to be better again. But no matter how long it takes, I'll be there every step of the way. That's all that matters now."

"O-okay..I...trust you..."

She could tell he was trying his best to reassure her. (y/n) could feel it deep inside her chest; a bird trying to break free from its cage and spread their wings to fly. But it wasn't working. It only hurt more, the tingling morphing into a sort of pounding against her bandaged arms.

...How long could she keep this up until it breaks her?

(y/n) slowly pulled away from him, torn apart with frustration. She didn't deserve any of this; she didn't deserve Levi at all. "I want everything to be the same as it always has been. Even if we are......a couple. I don't know if I can handle anything more right now. It's all so new and scary to me..."

"I understand. We'll go at whatever pace suits you the best."

"Hey, Levi.."

"Hmm?"

(y/n) gazes once more at him, smiling dejectedly. "Even if I get really, really sad...This is the best thing for me...right?"

".......Are you saying that this is making you feel sad,(y/n)?"

"I-I don't know. I don't understand what I'm feeling. It felt like a bunch of thorns when you told me you loved me.."

Hearing those words didn't make Levi frustrated. If he did, he didn't show it at all, instead nodding as he squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. "You can trust me,(y/n). I know what's best for you, remember?"

(y/n) response didn't come off as convincing as she'd wanted it to. "Y-yeah."

His eyebrows then furrowed in the slightest expression of worry. "Do you need me to...stay with you for the night?"

"No,..I don't think it would be very good for me today. You understand, right?"

"It's...kind of hard for me to fully understand. But I'm trying my hardest."

(y/n) wiped frantically at her eyes, almost like she was afraid that if Levi saw her crying, he would change his mind on leaving her alone. "It's okay. Don't worry too much about it."

Levi stands up, smoothly putting on his jacket while slipping his backpack on; reminding (y/n) of the knife he had taken from her. "...Alright. I'll come to pick you up tomorrow for school, okay? It's not the greatest start, but we can walk together."

"...."

She was silent at his retreating form, watching as he became smaller and smaller, soon blending right into the sunset. He gives her a smile; something he hasn't done since they were the youngest of children. It was so hopeful and maybe even cheerful. A soft and kind smile that only she could see, and it made her heart ache again, made her overwhelmed with confusion once more.

(y/n) was tired of it Tired of pretending, tired of smiling and telling people she was fine. Each time, each word and sentence, was like a knife probing off a piece of her soul, more and more until there was nothing left.

She needed the sensation again, wanted to feel the blade sink deeper and deeper into her skin as she drew unrecognizable patterns of cuts across her arms. (y/n) needed the pain, it was so relieving, and she couldn't live without it. The agony didn't matter anymore, because she didn't feel a single thing when she scored a mark across her wrist, just deep enough to draw blood with her other knife. But it wasn't enough, she didn't feel relaxed or satisfied at all.

Another cut, deeper this time, across her forearm, through one of her older scars. A hiss of pain emitted from her lips, but again, the unwavering emptiness was still there. The pleasure was there, disguised under all the agony, except it was gone as quickly as it had come.

..It drove her crazy like this, having to do it for hours sometimes.

She had never gone farther than this before. What would Levi think of this? She knew he wouldn't approve, but that was because he couldn't understand just how much suffering she had to endure, how much of a weight and burden she was to everyone else's shoulders. He didn't know just how much she wanted to disappear, how much the world could be better off without her. (y/n) had to muster every fiber in herself to smile and laugh, while everyone else just did it with such ease. How could they do it so effortlessly? What reason did they have? No matter what situation (y/n) was in, she just could never push an actual smile through.

(y/n) let out a pained moan through gritted teeth as she inflicted another wound, now one on her upper left arm. The sound soon turned into a sigh as the agony changed to an uncontrollable wave of euphoria.

Should she cut deeper? Lifting up her shirt, she stared at her bare abdomen, feeling the sweat begin to form on her forehead. Biting hard into the folds of her clothes, Kazuki held them up, wondering what kind of words Levi would be saying. Her laugh at the thought soon turned into a muffled scream as she dragged the knife straight over the clammy skin. This wasn't what she was expecting. An excruciatingly searing agony ripped through her stomach as the knife clattered to the floor, an irritating noise that created a sharp ringing in her ears. She fell to her knees, cradling her fragile body as the redness pooled around her in a puddle.

Levi wouldn't be saying anything at all. In fact, he would probably tackle her, wrenching the blade from her hand and giving her a good slap to show her how much he hated her for doing this after all she had promised him.

But (y/n) was trying her hardest. She really was.

It was almost like she could drown in her own blood, she had no idea how long she had been lying there, but her eyes were beginning t droop, the once unbearable pain dulling to just a dull throb as (y/n) felt her mind slipping away. Would she wake up after this? The tears were beginning to dissolve into the redness, leaving no traces behind. (y/n) thought it was beautiful, how the crimson would just lap it up without a second thought, like it didn't want any unwanted feelings inside. Perhaps this is what it's like to find true happiness. Maybe this was (y/n)'s kind of happiness. It was good enough for her, and she was sure that Levi would also feel the same way, and that somewhere deep inside, he could find it in himself to forgive her.

...Was this what it was like to die?

She lets out a small laugh that echoes across the room, her eyes fluttering shut.

"I'm sorry..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know, I know, ...but you read the description, right? THE ANGST IS REAL. Comment below on what you think! :)


	3. Never The Same - Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Why are you here? Why can't you just leave me alone? If it weren't for this, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be even thinking about me! That's all I am. I'm just selfish and weak. And that's why I'm going to accept these punishments. Because I deserve every last one! ... "
> 
> In a high school universe, Levi had been thinking about it for quite a while now. He thought that everything was fine, that you were doing okay in school. Sure, you two hadn't been as close as before when the both of you were childhood friends, but he wanted to give it another try to make up for all the drifting apart. 
> 
> But little did he know, it was significantly much more worse than he interpreted, and the truth hits him, so shocking that it takes his breath away.
> 
> ...Will things ever be the same again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Last chapter, folks! Prepare for the feels!

The excitement that Levi felt when he approached (y/n)'s house the next day made his body fuzzy with a warmth that he couldn't comprehend with. But nonetheless, he couldn't wait to see her, couldn't wait to see her open the door and let him take her by the hand. He couldn't wait for the both of them to talk , getting into long and deep conversations just like before, where time seemed to fly by when they weren't aware.

He couldn't wait to start over with her.

Levi knocked, finding it strange when he didn't get a reply. Maybe she had overslept again? His stomach leapt to his throat. He didn't want to get any bad ideas. Testing the doorknob, the doubt rising in his gut seemed to multiply by a million when the front flew open with ease. "(y/n)?"

There was no other explanation. She was in her room. She just had to be.

Levi gently opened the door.

The blood in his veins ran cold. His eyes widened to those of an owl, and it was like the air, the universe, time itself, his entire being was stuck frozen to the spot.

Her skin was pale and almost white, raven- black hair now matted and in tangles, pink lips now a light brown as it slowly lost its colour. Her limp body was propped against the wall, and there were deep gouges and marks that had been made on her arms, his bandages proving worthless as they had been discarded against the wall. Dark, thick blood painted the white walls crimson like a canvas, scattered everywhere in angry puddles. What had once been cheerful hazel eyes were now dull and shattered, looking blankly back at him, as if silently judging.

He placed a hand over his mouth, not trusting his mouth to speak for him. (y/n) is- no, was. That's death, shifting from "is" to "was."

Levi suppress the urge to vomit. Just yesterday, he told her he know what's best, and that everything will be okay.

So how could she leave him alone like this?

Why?....

Why would she do this?

How could he be so helpless?

What did Levi do wrong?

Confessing to her....he shouldn't have confessed to her. That's not what (y/n) needed at all. She even told him how painful it was for others to care about her. Then why did he confess to her, and make her feel even worse? Why was he so selfish?

The realization dawned upon him, and he choked out a sob filled with grief. Levi fell to his knees, like the burden of her death was crushing him with guilt. This was his fault!

A billion thoughts swarmed his head, telling him endless possibilities that could have been done to prevent this. It drove him insane with sorrow, one tear now becoming many as he turned away to cry, unable to bear looking at her lifeless eyes again. He hated himself to such a great extent for it, now he was the one that deemed himself worthless.

If he had spent more time with her....

Walked her to school...

And remained friends with her, like it always had been...

Levi could have prevented all of that.

Screw Eren. Screw the school. He had just....lost his best friend. Someone he grew up with.

(y/n) was gone forever. He only had one chance, and wasn't careful enough. Now he had to carry this guilt with him until he died. Nothing in Levi's life was worth more than hers. He still couldn't do what (y/n) needed from him. And now, he could never take it back .

Never.

Never.

Never.

Never.

She had been his sunshine on darkest days, his dearest red rose in the flower garden. Levi could only see her smile, could only hear her sweet, kind voice and feel her soft, gentle touch. He couldn't see past that; he was so incredibly blind to her feelings. And now he could only imagine the memories and what could have been priceless moments in the future as he curled up in a ball, silent with tears, being crushed by the grief that tore at his chest. He wanted to disappear.

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move. It hurt so much.

(y/n) had been engraved as part of his heart, beating in rhythm along with the rest of his body. But now, he could never properly function without her, not when he had caused her to take her own life.

"Never....."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I want to hear the feedback that you guys have! It just makes me more motivated to continue and improve my writing! > < I hope you enjoyed this short story, and I wish you all an amazing day!


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